Hey all,
So I know it has been more than 2 months since my last post, but I haven't had the greatest 2 months. Ive had a break-up, a sulk-up and probably a bitch-up too. My blogs are mainly about bookclub, but this time Im going to do something different. Im going to pour my heart out. I dont like doing it using technology, but my Laptop seems way better than my Cigarette box.
It all stared with the break-up with Robin. Im the kind of person to feel guilty for hurting someone else, even though I know it was for the best, Im gonna learn from it, I know who I am and What I want etc etc, but I still feel like the biggest Douche ever! I never meant to hurt him, but if I never tried then I would have never known. The break-up hit me harder than I thought it would, and thus started my down-ward spiral into an emotional breakdown and self loathing.
Im lonely. Fact. I enjoy my independancy but I constantly feel alone. I just want someone I can share my life with, someone that will get me and accept my issues, insecurities and stupidity. Someone like me. But alas Im drowning in the ocean full of shark. Im trying to accept that it will happen when it happens, but Im just too darn impatient!
Work......sigh......where do I begin. I enjoy what Im doing, but I sometimes wonder if this is what Im meant to do. Im questioning the fact that working with family is such a great idea, because responsibilities that aren't mine, end up being my problem. Im not sure im cut up for it all. I have been promised a promotion for about 2 months now and yet I see nothing coming up. I have too many doubts......I feel like a lost soul in search of true fulfillment but keep coming up empty handed. What do I do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? Sometimes it just feels like Life keeps kicking me in my imaginary balls........it hurts dammit!
Then, just when I start feeling better, when I think it all will be ok, I get hurt by the people I least expect it from.....or deserve it from......my dearest family! I have now reached the point where I now give up........I have been hurt way too many times byt he people who are supposed to Love me unconditionally. A father who chooses his second wife over his own daughter, and he has admitted this before, that even his dogs over his children. This man alone has caused me so much pain and dissapointment, and yet I still stand by him. For what?? To find the father I always wished I had or to think that he will actually change his ways and look at me with pure Love and admiration. My brother, my own flesh and blood, who used to be one of my best friends, has broken my heart so many times that I have now completly lost faith in the whole idea of family. I sit now, in front of my laptop, declearing to you that I no longer wish to have them in my life as I cannot bear anymore pain. Im raw, my eyes hurt and my heart cannot handle this anymore. I do not ask for your simpathy, all I ask is that you read this with an open mind as I need to get it off my shoulders. Im broken, shattered even. And Im not sure what to do anymore.
I ask that you please dont judge me. Im simply writting down my emotions to my friends who I know will understand me, now matter what, before I explode.
I thank you all so much for just being there, knowing I have people to talk to. And to the one person that I know will understand how I feel and maybe even know myself better than I do. I love you guys!
Feeling deflated, this is me, the damaged, insecure girl, that is still way too cute for her name!
VLOOI*
